Free & Cold

You know what I miss the most about my childhood ? Waking up happy. I miss that happiness so much. Mornings now often bring nothing but a long list of spirit dampers. Work, obligations, denial, hatred (at times), hopelessness and even loathing. I used to be an early riser. No matter how late I might have gone to bed, I somehow woke up when the birds were still in their first chirping session for the day. Nowadays I just lay lying under my sheet, with my eyes closed but keep visualizing horrid things. It can be a disastrous experience, first thing in the day. When I used to be a kid, I simply didn't care. I used to dream of great places, flying, and riding horses with girls having golden locks and wake up still dreamy, with a grin and happily spent my days in careless abandon. The beauty of my childhood lied in the sublime truths it introduced me to. I long for that happiness, instant, spontaneous and unafraid happiness. I miss not being burdened with unrequited sentiments except when my father or my mum would reprimand me, I would get very sad and start sobbing. Sentiment in childhood meant winning the cricket match against the boys of the rival colony, or feeling bad about superheroes when they fell, or perhaps not being given the promised sum of pocket money.

Everything changed when I began caring. It wasn't as if I didn't feel care for anyone during my kid days. But being a kid, caring for the neighborhood girl, meant keeping flowers on her bicycle and looking at her smile. I never progressed beyond that. So in a way I was happy. When I grew up I cared but this time I also nurtured a hope to have that care returned, I shared myself because I cared and bonded, I bonded because I cared and most of all I expected because of all this. I became caught in that vicious cycle of emotions which opened up gates of despair and unleashed a torrent of personal disasters. 

Out of fear of losing the person I love, I became conscious about my actions, my words, my expressions, lest I be misunderstood. Being a child I didn't care. I miss being unafraid, being not conscious about things, being truthful about my desires. Now for the sake of keeping the record straight, else my well wishers would think that I'm being convenient about opening up regarding my past, it is not that I am the only one who has suffered. I have  hurt a lot of souls who cared for me. Mostly unintentionally. I wake up at nights having bad dreams, in which I am the villain. Anyway, I take responsibility for my actions and my deeds and the choices that I have made.  And I will live it. As I once mentioned to a friend, there is no heaven or hell, beyond our lives. Heaven and hell are right here. Our worlds are the consequences of the choices that we make. My world is what I have created with my actions and I will live it without complain. 

I remember how my mentor once asked me back in school,  " Anupam, what do you want to do when you grow up"? I thought hard, very hard for a fourteen year old and replied, 'I would want to be without worries'. That was obviously slightly philosophical for my age, but I guess I had acquired sufficient understanding of the essence of being without worries.  But I guess it's a child thing anyway. There's no world without worries. Worries are abundant, omnipresent and inescapable.