The sun was waning beyond the mountains and dusk was swift on
its heels. Karma painfully limped through the thickness of the abundant
bushes in the uphill climb, fighting his fatigue, dwindling vision with only
one ambition, the gravity of which belittled all hurdles. His mind brimming
with unventilated disquiet and anxieties. Not because the venom of the bullet
in his waist was spreading fast in his blood, not because life for him was on
the ebb, but because he feared that Kamini may never know of his feelings for
her. As he ambled through the cleaner path he rushed through in his head all
the lost chances and missed opportunities of telling her his desires. Now in
the face of his end he must speak out. He was determined. He wasn't when there
were ample moments, now in all the insufficiency of his life, when the doors
were closing, he was determined to express himself. Just a dying wish.
The voices in the search party were catching up. The
disproportion between the velocity of his walking and that of the members of
the group of men determined to catch him put them at a better chance of
winning. Karma wasn't going to let this be easy though. His understanding of
the valley and his knowledge of clarity beneath the obscurity of the forest put
him at an insurmountable advantage, yet his failing vision and the toxins from
the bullet constantly played their debilitating game against his strengths. He
was a tough nut to crack. Had been so since his childhood, orphaned, thrown to
the merciless realm of mountain bandits who used him and exploited his swift
legs and quick hands to their gains. Except for Hazim, the oldest of them all,
who caught the spark in Karma's persona and taught him the ways of the world.
Made him the invincible character he was today. 'Never give in, never
surrender, as long as you are breathing you have a chance at winning' the old man would often sermon him.
Karma sensed an unspoken feeling of attachment with him. Took his words and
training very seriously. Of all the things he was taught by him, Karma never
forgot his mentor's preaching 'you're
as strong as your weakness'. He thus never allowed any limitation, any point of surrender a place in his world. All
of that had changed when Kamini came to stay with her uncle in their village.
He was about 21, she 18.
In that moment when he first saw her, he was gripped by
unknown powers that stirred and churned his guts and that made him feel alive
to emotions unfelt by him before. He stood motionless, his trainings and beliefs
slipping to the background, giving way to something universal and true. He
began remaining lost, his aims faltered, his plannings began having loopholes.
His heart began overpowering his mind. He was strong now, weak then, varying
cluelessly between strange feelings. That was when Hazim stepped in and
admonished him into making a choice, to be one of his men or to bow to his
worldly desires of marrying the woman he loved and starting a family. Karma had
to make a choice. But in order to do that he needed to tell Kamini and hear her
answer. Spending the available opportunities in self doubt when Karma finally
stepped up to the occasion, he was told that Kamini's hand had already been
pledged in marriage.
Of all the bullet shots, dejection, physical abuse, hunger of
his tender childhood and hopelessness he had experienced in his life, the pain
which such news brought him, made them feel nothing more than needle pricks. It
was as if something tore inside him. And a part of him died that day. Such
numbing was the unfolding of that reality that he wanted to scream his throat
dry yet couldn't utter a single cry, wanted to flow endlessly yet couldn't shed
a single tear. A share of his heart turned stone, except for the remaining part
which had to beat for survival, mere survival. He told himself that he would
never look at Kamini ever again, he also swore that he would never look at any
other woman. He lived his pledge for a pretty long time, till Bijli, the blue
eyed dancer crossed his paths one day while he had sheltered himself in the
town's infamous brothel from the uniformed hounds after murdering a local jewelry shop
owner. Karma gave her a passing glance as they ran into each other. She gave
him his heart in that fleeting moment. He was never there with her, she went
wherever he went, a part of her fixed to him. She never took her eyes off him
and followed him till the darkest corner of the alley into which he disappeared
that evening. She waited for him for many days till finally her strong desires
brought him to her when one night he was unwillingly ushered to the dark room
by few of his gang mates. She gave herself to him in a way she had never before
given herself to anyone. Till the farthest depths of her soul she let him have
her. For her it was love, for Karma it was mostly rage, venting of it. After
they would be done, Karma would lay spent, his eyes closed, his form heaving in
peace. She would lay demure by his side, not closing her eyes for a second.
Savoring every bit of him, his tranquil form, his chiseled face, the drops of
sweat on his brow, the visible strength of his hands, his unkempt hair. She
feared he would be gone forever. She feared if she closed her eyes he won't be
there when she opened them. So she lay watching him. But Karma returned, night
after night in a week and vanishing for weeks together. Bijli never grumbled or
complained. She knew. A woman always somehow knows. She realized that with all
the closeness to him, she would never cross the distance that still remained
between them. She knew that he belonged elsewhere. But she never asked and he
never spoke.
Karma saw through the darkening ambience, the hamlet where
stood the almost wrecked hut in which Kamini lived with her family. He had
never inquired whether she was happy, how many children she had and other
points to her matrimony. He sauntered through the rugged path and arrived at
the doorstep. He halted. Shaking, shivering within. Unsure of what he would see
beyond the doors yet sure of the feelings he nurtured inside him. It has been
years. The last time he had come this close, his heart had been through
immeasurable agony. But in the face of his impending end he no more worried
about being hurt. All that he thought of was letting his feelings be known to
the woman whom he loved with all his heart even after all these years. He
limped to the door and raised his hand to knock, waited for a couple of seconds
and let his knuckles rap on the wood. In the silence of the valley, he could
hear the clinking of the anklets approaching the inside of the door and
imagined Kamini's beautiful feet adorned by them. He heard the footsteps stop
and the latch of the door inside move. His heart began beating like a speeding train
without anything to stop it. His mouth dry, his feet heavy, mind racing among a
million glimpses imaginary and real. The doors opened slowly, creaking and
halting mid way for a brief moment and then flinging open fully.
Their eyes met. She had gone through a sea of change. She
looked worn out like one who has seen times' unkindness. Her eyes had lost most
of their spark. Her hair unwashed, the dryness of lack of oil and water to
nourish it. She looked frail and not the Kamini he had in his mind. She looked
at him like she knew him. Word of his affections for her had reached her long
back. Though the mouth which should have worded them never did. He noticed a
faint line of tear moisten her cheek. Except the flow of that drop, nothing
else moved about her expression. He saw it trickle all the way down her left
cheek and permeate on her smooth skin. There was something about the way Kamini
looked at Karma. As if she knew all this while that one day he would knock her
doors, that someday he would come looking, someday he would give in. Karma
couldn't guess what she was thinking. How could he ? He did not know that much
before he decided to tell Kamini his feelings, she already knew of them. In the
tiny village which they shared the sound of sneeze travelled through every nook
and corner and here it was the talk of love of Karma, the man every youngster
in the village wanted to grow up and become and whom every peasant worshipped.
It was never surprising that Kamini had come to learn of Karma's feelings within
days of their birth in Karma's heart.
'Can I step inside ?' Karma inquired faintly.
'You look hurt. Please come in' Kamini replied and
walked upto him. She was reluctant to touch him but when she noticed that he
could barely walk, she gave her hands around his shoulder supporting him all
the way inside her hut. Making him sit on a tattered wooden chair, she rushed
to fetch a glass of water from their earthen pot. The water was cool and
Karma's dehydration made him gulp down the satiating contents of the glass
which tasted even sweeter by the touch of Kamini's hands. Noticing him hold his
waist and writhe in pain, she quickly went down on her knees, rolled up his
shirt by his waist and saw the wound bleeding steadily. She was visibly
horrified and then her expression changed to one of helplessness and regret.
She managed to gather some cotton and cleaned his wound and tied a cloth around
it to prevent further blood loss. The bullet was still inside him, unleashing
its malice within his organs. Karma's eyes were drooping. He was barely able to
keep them open. He had reached a point where the normal sense of hesitation and
reluctance that clouds the ability to decide and act had released him from its
clutches. Where all sense of rationality cease to matter and the only thing
that concerns is the thought of accomplishing the unaccomplished, the distant
dream, the root of all emotions that have driven us all our lives. In Karma's
case it was the aim of revealing his immeasurable unaccomplished love for Kamini.
Somehow the thing which he managed to suppress and ignore all his life became
at that point in time the only valuable indulgence before he was to leave
forever. Therefore all sense of inhibition and consciousness which had
prevented him from so doing gave way to that urgency and Karma stretched his
hand in Kamini's direction, his mouth open in a half smile and his forehead
crumpled exhibiting the pain he was fighting with. He was sinking fast. Karma
got off the chair his hand still stretched, trembling, his eyes shutting and
opening in quick succession.
Kamini could not hold herself back. She embraced his palm and
pulled herself close to him. She stood tantalizingly near to him. In all his
agony, a part of Karma smirked inside thinking how all his life he spent
dreaming of this moment and when it was about to end, he had the love of his
life in his arms. There is a way in which the pleadings of a dying man works.
It is difficult to say 'No' to it. It was impossible to tell from Kamini's
demeanor whether she acceded to Karma's appeal out of sympathy or out of
feelings which resonated that of Karma's. But for Karma it was all the same.
The feel of her touch was enough to send Karma into a passage of bliss on his
way to the life beyond. Once Kamini held his hand, Karma tightened his grip
gently around her palm and held it with his life. Of all the dark glory and the
accomplishments Karma had experienced in the past, nothing stood a chance
before such momentary yet pious triumph. He slowly faltered in her grip to the
ground and made a gesture to lie down. Kamini readily offered her lap to his
wishes. There are ways in which life works which are beyond our fathoming. Once
in her lap the words "I
Love You" left his mouth
as he looked straight in her eyes. She caressed his forehead and his hair. Ran
her fingers reassuringly over his face. Then she began.
"I knew from the first time you saw me, that I was
special for you. I was even told. But actually I knew of things before
that." she rubbed her index
finger on his cheeks and continued after a brief pause.
"I lost my heart to you in the same instance I saw
you. But I wanted you to come up to me and speak of your love and I would have
you loved the rest of my life. I still do. I had no choice but to wait for you to
come to me. But that fortune never visited me, that moment never came. I waited. You never spoke. I still waited. After
those never ending days and nights of waiting, I had no option but to concede
to a marriage which was wish of all but me. You see a
woman barely has a choice in such things. I wanted to be only yours but was given
away to become someone else's. Someone who left me the very next day after our
marriage and never returned. I could not go back. My father was already dying
out of guilt. I didn't want to burden him further. In all the solitude and
desperation I was somehow happy about the fact that I actually never became
anyone's. That I was still only meant to be yours. So here I am. May be I was
destined to wait for you. May be my lap always existed to bear your pleasing
weight one day. But......" she
abruptly stopped breaking into tears.
Karma raised one hand and gently put one finger on her
restless lips. The regret of never trying to find out about Kamini became
apparent in his face. The guilt of having given himself to another woman when
the woman he wanted to die for was waiting for him ripped his heart. He gulped
it all. Knowing that it was soon going to be over anyways. When Kamini became
quiet with only tears brimming in her eyes, he spoke with much difficulty
between gasps yet with absolute certainty
'Your smile is everlasting, it gives me all what all the
riches I won in life couldn't.'
Then he ran his finger on her lips as she closed her eyes
consumed by heartfelt emotions
'You are so beautiful Kamini. I look into your eyes.
They are deep and full of love. I see your glow. Its serene like the mountains
in the rains. I sense your affection. My soul stirs in your love. It wants
nothing more. Its purpose is done.' He breathed hard trying to gasp as much air as he could.
'Your soft fingers run through my forehead. I find peace and
perpetual tranquil. I think to myself how fortunate I am to be loved by you.
You are as beautiful as the fairies I dreamt of in my childhood. Kamini could no longer hold herself. She
began sobbing unstoppably, tightening her hold around his face, slowly burying
her own on his forehead. Karma's eyes begin to close. His grip on
Kamini's hand started to weaken. Life was on the move out of his form. He felt
nothing numbed in love. Desires of this world had long left him. In his dying
moments he was filled with love that he always wished for. His eyes were
shutting with the picture of the woman he loved all his life. His last memory
would be of this moment, the most beautiful one in his whole wretched life. His
heart began slowing with Kamini's love in it. In the climax, life had given him
the most wonderful gift he could ever dream of.
Mustering all his residuary strength, in the grip of
excruciating hurt, he conveyed the most crucial words
"I am content. I found what I was searching for.....
life gave me you, I couldn't have asked for more............... I must ....I
must halt now". The doors of Kamini's
house violently flung open by the kicks and blows of several men who barged in,
with pistols and rifles, all dressed in Khaki to the hilt. Their rage and
momentum froze upon what they saw. Their intense breathing forms calming down
with passing seconds. As the glimpse before their eyes sank in them. The man
who never gave in, who could never be made captive, who never had an Achilles
heel, lay motionless, on the lap of a woman who held him close to her, crying
with unpretending abandon, carressing with her trembling hands his still face,
kissing his forehead every now and then.
In his life Karma belonged to the inescapable murkiness of
the world he was forced to live in. And the opportunity that could have saved
him from it was now his, though rendered pointless and infructuous by the
destined delay. Yet he ended with contentment. His morose life beautified and
adorned by the only thing that ever mattered to him. The leader of the search
party removed his cap in condolence. He briefly closed his eyes, perhaps
recalling all the chase he ever dedicated to the man considered invincible by
all and sundry. He turned back and walked and others followed. Immortalized in
fulfillment, the chapter of Karma had closed for eternity.