A Letter She Can Never Send

Dear D..,   

Whoever you are, however you are, you have become important to me and you have found a way to reach my heart and prayers. There is no social attachment that binds you and me. There is no religious or physiological bond between us as well. What I’m writing is something that would flow as a river, free from needs, wishes, desires and expectations. This is a river that is bound to connect our ends. You know why? Let me tell you.

 

You have been indeed lucky to find yourself the way to come into A's life. If his name makes you smile (as it made me while typing it) you are lucky. God has chosen you to love him, to be with him. Chances are that this letter may annoy you and you may get irritated as why I am writing to you. But when I explain the connection to you, things would perhaps be clearer. And I hope forgiveness would be unnecessary. I hope you’d see beyond the things people may have us blinded with.

To me loving A is a faith beyond the set norms of the world. In worldly eyes he and I have nothing in common, nothing at all. We are two separate individuals, but connected somehow by a powerful thread that makes me feel proud that I have been able to feel this way at all for anyone. Now, before you think anything or anything wrong at all, I want to clarify somethings. You are his life partner, his life in a way; I am his shadow that doesn't abandon him, even in darkness. I’m there naturally. And even if this shadow may appear formidable to you, as shadows are sometimes meant to, know that all shadows are harmless. They are just there because they can’t escape their source.

You on the other hand are real for him. You have the right to sit beside him, hold his hands, look into his eyes, caress his hair and love him, I lie like the cushion behind his back, soles under his feet to comfort him while he is loved by you. You make the morning tea for him, and I make sure the temperature is just right for his lips. You walk beside him, leaning on his shoulders, I run ahead of you both to remove any pebble or thorns that might stop your romantic walk together. When you make his bed for him, I would make sure he has peace in his eyes to enjoy it. I am not here to erect any walls between you and him, rather, my only wish is to see that he is happy and peaceful.

Believe me when I say that you are equally important to me as he is. We have a very delicate relation to handle because he cannot live without his love and his life; we have to make sure he has both to live normally. You are very lucky because with you he chose to share his life and happiness; on the other hand I am happy to share his pain and sorrows. Now you can also share his sorrows and pain, and it’s something a life partner does but I want you to be always cheerful and happy and smiling, so that his world is always happy and bright. I don’t think that is much to ask for when we both love and want the same thing, A's happiness. I know it’s difficult to understand. You may hate me and my bold statement that I am in your husband's life. But believe me, I am not in his life. Truth is that I lay just inside his mind as a small tiny part that makes things beautiful for him. Yes, I have an individual life as well, one that is made beautiful by his presence. I do not ask for his time, his love, his money or anything else. Just a tiny little corner in his subconscious. I would live like I do not exist for both of you; all I need is the permission to love him. Because the day I stop loving him I am certain I'd perish . I beg this of you to consider. Let me be dirt under your feet, but let me be there so that with you I touch A. As you are in his life like a support, like a backbone, I am relaxed and not much worried about how he would eat, work, write and take care of himself. Because I know you are capable in making him comfortable. He deserves to be treated with love, and believe me; he deserves so much love that only both of us can fulfill it. With all our differences and individual approaches, we make a perfect love and life for him to live. I hope you understand what my heart seeks. Maybe it’s too much to ask. Maybe it’s impossible to fulfill. But if you love him like loving is meant to be done then please allow me what I seek. Having lived with him for this long you must have felt that things are not going to be easy. But then they never are meant to be with someone like our A. He is a dreamer, he wants too many things and wants to make everyone and everything alright  and he has a heart of a child. Which is why we have a difficult task at hand. Let's make a promise to each other and live like we are not two but one person who cares deeply for the same man. A would be the happiest when we can achieve this.

I’ve seen you. And the way he describes you, I feel at peace because he has someone like you.

You won't lose anything to me, ever.

I Promise.