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Thursday, 20 March 2014

Blind



He has been such a blind man                 
Just kept thinking about his wishes
Never for a moment he stopped
And thought that he's destroying
Her chances of having a future

He has been such concerned
About his dreams, cravings
Never for a moment he stopped
And realized that he can't return
A dream in reciprocation

He has been so stuck up
With his own thirst and longing
That he never understood that
In fulfilling that yearning
She will never fulfill her own

For whatever chance there be
Of her being happy truly
He must trample his wants
And see that she finds the hand
That can actually with her stand

Today, tomorrow, be truly by her side
Give her the warmth that she'll need
And not be away
But be a man to remain really with her
Give her his touch and remove her fear
 

And in doing so
He must suffice that
Her heart is not broken
And that the passing of her heart
Is welcome and sane

His suffering might then be endless
But atleast he can pass
With the pride of a lover
That he saved the soul and life
Of the woman who once loved her 


Wednesday, 19 March 2014

I'm Here Ma'




A mother's heart is said to be the most loving one, one that doesn't heed to any extenuating influence when it comes to loving her child. Noticing my deepest wounds and hurting, exactly as a mother is capable of, without me having shown any signs of it, she asked me what was worrying me. And that simply opened all gates inside me, crumbled the strong portrayal of my controlled self into bits and I simply began crying like a child. Went on for minutes together. I never felt like holding back. I cried and cried and cried. I let all my grief out right in her embrace. I felt her frail hand caressing me ceaselessly as I choked in my own tears.

When I raised my head, somewhat embarrassed, I saw her eyes completely red with tears too. I just said 'Ma I'm here Ma' I'm right within your safe hold.' I have never felt so secure anywhere than what I felt inside her embrace. Just didn't want to let go of her hold around me. Tell me another place where such serene comfort exists, nowhere, not one place.

But she had to go. She couldn't stay with me. She was there to see me. A part of me regretted having shown her what I made her see of me, weak, devastated, sad. I know it is impossible for a mother to live with the realization that I gave her about myself. But the thing about mothers is that they are quick in their assuring touch and strong in their blessing. I will never be able to adequately express the depths of consolation which I felt in her hug. It was time to go. As I walked her to the car waiting to drive her away, she asked me to let go of what was hurting me. And told me what she always says 'It will be alright. Ma is here'

I watched her being driven away. And missed her warmth instantly.




Tuesday, 18 March 2014

My Dear Beloved ,,














They say to find heaven I' ve to die                                        
But my heaven in your embrace and love doth lie
And if there be indeed a heaven beyond life and death

I seek it not since your love is my heaven before parting breathe

Monday, 17 March 2014

Free & Cold


You know what I miss the most about my childhood ? Waking up happy. I miss that happiness so much. Mornings now often bring nothing but a long list of spirit dampers. Work, obligations, denial, hatred (at times), hopelessness and even loathing. I used to be an early riser. No matter how late I might have gone to bed, I somehow woke up when the birds were still in their first chirping session for the day. Nowadays I just lay lying under my sheet, with my eyes closed but keep visualizing horrid things. It can be a disastrous experience, first thing in the day. When I used to be a kid, I simply didn't care. I used to dream of great places, flying, and riding horses with girls having golden locks and wake up still dreamy, with a grin and happily spent my days in careless abandon. The beauty of my childhood lied in the sublime truths it introduced me to. I long for that happiness, instant, spontaneous and unafraid happiness. I miss not being burdened with unrequited sentiments except when my father or my mum would reprimand me, I would get very sad and start sobbing. Sentiment in childhood meant winning the cricket match against the boys of the rival colony, or feeling bad about superheroes when they fell, or perhaps not being given the promised sum of pocket money.

Everything changed when I began caring. It wasn't as if I didn't feel care for anyone during my kid days. But being a kid, caring for the neighborhood girl, meant keeping flowers on her bicycle and looking at her smile. I never progressed beyond that. So in a way I was happy. When I grew up I cared but this time I also nurtured a hope to have that care returned, I shared myself because I cared and bonded, I bonded because I cared and most of all I expected because of all this. I became caught in that vicious cycle of emotions which opened up gates of despair and unleashed a torrent of personal disasters. 

Out of fear of losing the person I love, I became conscious about my actions, my words, my expressions, lest I be misunderstood. Being a child I didn't care. I miss being unafraid, being not conscious about things, being truthful about my desires. Now for the sake of keeping the record straight, else my well wishers would think that I'm being convenient about opening up regarding my past, it is not that I am the only one who has suffered. I have  hurt a lot of souls who cared for me. Mostly unintentionally. I wake up at nights having bad dreams, in which I am the villain. Anyway, I take responsibility for my actions and my deeds and the choices that I have made.  And I will live it. As I once mentioned to a friend, there is no heaven or hell, beyond our lives. Heaven and hell are right here. Our worlds are the consequences of the choices that we make. My world is what I have created with my actions and I will live it without complain. 



I remember how my mentor once asked me back in school,  " Anupam, what do you want to do when you grow up"? I thought hard, very hard for a fourteen year old and replied, 'I would want to be without worries'. That was obviously slightly philosophical for my age, but I guess I had acquired sufficient understanding of the essence of being without worries.  But I guess it's a child thing anyway. There's no world without worries. Worries are abundant, omnipresent and inescapable.


Just Saying

All my life i have been a selfish man. I know in my heart that I am not a bad person. But my actions have always belied my thoughts. I have hurt so many people in my life that I cant even count. What is pathetic about me is that I have hurt those people the most who have given me their everything. It begins from my mother to the many hearts who loved me more than their life. I know we live by the choices we make. Heaven and hell are not beyond but right here. They are the consequences of the choices we make. I knowingly or unknowingly have caused immense pain to a lot of persons who loved me. I have abused them in anger, failed to pamper them in return when they needed me the most. I have hurt them with my inconsiderate words. I have pushed them to the brim and then when they gave up exhausted I have accused them of leaving me.


 It cant get worse than this. I am unforgivable.

I accept it.

Tip - Toer of My Dreams



This is for the woman I live for. 
I Love Her Beyond The Skies 
And the Heavens Beyond.
Time may have kept us apart.
I will nevertheless, no matter what, keep loving her till eternity.




Oh tip-toer of my dreams
And the healer of pains                                         
The rain of springs
And song of autumn evenings

The rainbow of fancies

That you paint in my eyes
With your ardent passion 
And touch of million affections

That you make me believe

In all the richness of life
Amidst the chaos stubborn and glib
You are what holds me alive

Your kisses I haven't known

Yet I've frozen in them all along
Your touch I haven't sensed
Yet celebrated it like a song

Oh fairy of my tender days

One with wings bright and golden
You have come and graced
My barren nights with your love unspoken

What mysteries haunt thee eyes

What moistness await on thy lips
What delight hide in your embrace
What bliss hold your elegance

Your promises are my sunrise

Your tears a somber dusk
Your joys are my nurture
Your love, all my life giving blood

Loving you and your soul

I rise far in the heavens above
I am a canvas of emotions
A gallery of moments

Within days countable in frail fingers
You've brimmed me with ecstasy
Of a thousand eons
Yet forever isn't enough

Let me hence while away my time

All that is left of it in saying 
And taking in return
The only three words that ever mattered

For me, the gardens of paradise 
And the springs of dreamland
Are here in your embrace
And in your loving smile







Sunday, 16 March 2014

I Let Go

So that you won't cry anymore
I let you go

So that you won't be speechless
I let you go

So that you won't tire anymore
I let you go

So that you won't fall
I let you go

So that I won't hurt you anymore
I let you go

So that you won't perish
I let you go

So that you remain you
I let you go

I will die in bits sure
But smile too

Because I will know then
That I have saved you

Monday, 10 March 2014

Wait



when shall i get asked   

when shall you come 

undo my desolation

and let me in your passion

until then

i cherish

the dark and the darkness

and embrace your separation


Sunday, 9 March 2014

Great Speech



My fav actor wins the Oscars for Dallas Buyers Club.

I'm so happy. And became happier with his acceptance speech.

Congratulations and We Love You Matthew.

Closure



I am lying on your lap. I see your smile and marvel how beautiful it is. Your lips full and alive gently balmed with a calm moistness. Your hair playful in the breeze blowing in the vast garden of peace and contentment that surround us. Birds come and sit near us.

I look into your eyes. They are deep and full of love. I see your glow. Its serene like the mountains in the rains. I sense your affection. My soul stirs in your love. It wants nothing more. Its purpose is done.

Your soft fingers run through my forehead. I find peace and everlasting tranquil. I look at you again. I cannot take my eyes off yours. You say something and smile again. I think to myself how fortunate I am to be loved by you. You are as beautiful as the fairies I dreamt of in my childhood.

My eyes begin to close. I see nothing but you. I feel nothing as I am numbed by your love. I have no desires of this world. I have you and I am happy. Your smile and your gentle palms lull me to everlasting sleep. 

You gave me love that brimmed my being, that I always wanted. My eyes close with your picture in them. My memory seals with your love in it. My heart starts slowing with you in it. All the warm moments we lived together, all your loving expressions all your words of love circle in my head. They fill my soul like pretty gifts of life.

I am content. I found what I was searching for. Life gave me you. I couldn't have asked for more.


I close for eternity. 

Debts


Tera Mera Rishta has always been a very symbolic song in my life. I chose to hear it today to remind myself of inescapable truths







I walk down the road to His abode and surrender myself. My sins, my blunders, my pain, my achievements. I confess to my detachment from Him and hence my consequential abandon. I listen to myself. Hear the calling from deep within. What's my life but a quest to give. A means to provide. What others seek but don't often find.

What have I lost myself in. All the murky depths of my self. Running after my own aims, my desires, my needs. Oblivious to the truth that my life is only a passing of the soul which is neither mine nor this world's. I have become but a weight on my own salvation. My cravings a distraction from promises my soul made to its Maker. 

My misgivings a result of my own deeds. Hell and heaven I know now do not exist beyond life. Heaven and hell are right here, in the steps we take and the choices we make. I have made my own heaven and hell. I kneel for forgiveness which I know I do not deserve. I chose to run when I should have stayed. I opted for easy when in obstacles lay my liberation. I broke the accord I long back struck with life. I will not ask for painlessness and in return it will not claim my servitude. I am now life's servant for I chose to seek absence of troubles.

I will now repay the debt that claims my conscience.  I put down my desires, my aspirations. I give up all my selfish wishes. I will return to the path I had embraced. To live for others. Even if that involves complete relinquishment of my dreams and my hopes.


Mehfuz

Man is always judged by his deeds, especially the ones he commits in times of crisis. There is no heaven or hell beyond our lives. Heaven and hell are right here in our acts and failures, in the choices we make.








aani jaani hai kahaani bulbule si jindagani 
life come and goes, life is like a water bubble

banati kabhi bighadati 
sometimes it is forming/creating, sometimes it is spoiling

tej hawa se ladati bhidati 
sometimes fighting with the fast wind

ha raham ha raham farma ai khuda - (2) 
o god do the favor/kindness

mehfuz har kadam karana ai khuda, ai khuda - (2) 
assure safety of my every step, o god


saanson ki suti dor anuthi, (jal jaayegi -2) 
the cotton of breathes is a strange thread, it will burn

band jo laaye the haath ki muththi (khul jaayegi -2) 
those hands which we brought closed, will open

bhagwan kare kaaya yeh ujali mitti mein mil jaayegi 
the fair face will at the end will mix in the soil

chaahe jitani shamaaye roshan kar le dhup toh dhal jaayegi, jaayegi 
however the flames this sun will burn, it will finally burn out

ha raham ha raham farma ai khuda - (2) 
o god do the favor/kindness

mehfuz har kadam karana ai khuda, ai khuda - (2) 
assure safety of my every step, o god


sone chamak mein sikko khanak mein (milata nahi -2) 
that which we can't find in the shine of gold and sound of coins

dhul ke jarro mein dhunde koyi toh, (milata wahi -2) 
if someone could find him (god) in the particles of soil, then the one will find him

kya majaal teri marji ke aage, bando ki chal jaayegi 
what can do in front of his (god's) wish

thaame ungali jo tu katputali ki, chaal badal jaayegi, jaayegi 
if you hold the finger of a doll (human beings), it will change its path

ha raham ha raham farma ai khuda - (2) 
o god do the favor/kindness

mehfuz har kadam karana ai khuda, ai khuda - (2) 
assure safety of my every step, o god


ha raham ha raham farma.......... allah allah.... 
o god do the favor/kindness.... god god.......

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Love, What Else !!



I have always believed that there is perhaps any life changer as love. It can transform lives of the souls it touches. It can make the universe a beautiful place to stay in or conversely in its departure, strip the beauty of the most serene things in life. And there is no love without perseverance, without the ability to understand all the unsaid things. I'm sure that ability comes to you when you fall in love. It need not be said. What is to be cherished both have to cherish and what is to be suffered, both must endure it together, I mean really together. If you expect, you also have to give back. It can be very taxing, but also fulfilling. I believe relationships are the most challenging enterprises. But all I see around are shattered ties, due to lack of tolerance and patience and the will to be there.



My story begins where most end. I fell in love with the girl of my dreams in the most unique and exceptional of circumstances. She lives far off, I mean so far that I wake up when she goes to bed. We don't see the sun together. But we found our togetherness in all the lack of proximity, all the absence of fulfilment of human needs to see, feel, touch and have each other in our arms. The only thing we have at our disposal are our words. Our only means of communication - letters. As classic it may sound, its true. We haven't seen each other. Its been a month. We occasionally talk but we exchange written words as the only way of expressing our affection. Despite all hurdles that one can possibly fathom, I stay loved by her. I cannot even begin to describe the impediments we face on a daily basis. Its like we live everyday with extraordinary passion and commitment. Unflinching and unaltered love.




She would do evrything that I need. She would wake me up every morning with her gentle kisses. I get told that she made breakfast for us, something she remembered I like. In my most trying times she would pamper me and caress me and comfort me. She would stay with me whole night, night after night ensuring that I don't feel restless in her absence. She has showered her affections immeasurably on me and made me the happiest man in this world. All by her letters. I think of her and wonder what great deeds have I done to deserve such a wonderful woman as her. If I attempt to write what she does for me and the way she loves me and takes care of me, all the pages of this world will not suffice for my telling.


She has embraced all my weaknesses and respected them. I hope and wish to do the same for her. She know my strengths too and enhances them with her inspiring love. The way she pampers me and takes care of me, makes me want her even more. I have never felt more blessed in life. Her love makes me believe and want to be a better man. Her love teaches me to be patient, kind and be forgiving. Her love teaches me to believe in light.


We don't live together. We understand our circumstances. We live in each others eyes and in our heartbeats. With our experience of pain and complexities of life our resurrection perhaps lies in each other's acceptance of it. We are born to remain in natural need of each other's affections and acceptance. Everything else is secondary.

For all the past present and future and all the challenges that test our bond our lovestory is one for the history books in its unfolding. We were always meant to be with each other. It was like we were made in each other's reflection and then scattered away far. So far away that no one could have imagined us coming together. But the idea of soulmate is what defines our bond. She found me. I will be forever indebted to her that she found me. Else I would have spent my whole life searching for true love and the bliss of it. It took us three decades to come together. But we did. I cannot imagine anybody else loving me and taking care of me and comforting me like the way she does. I belong with her.


I remember her voice and everything falls silent. It comes and goes like a temptress. It teases my ears and my senses. The words I hear her speak become velvet in her mellow tone. Something crumbles within me. It snuggles in response to the affection blended in her voice. In her happiness lies my greatest strength. In my strength lies her happiness.


In love lies our only hope.


I give her my all.